It always sounded so fun. Nobody ever made it seem like it was a hard thing to do. Occasionally they said it was hard at times but generally it was never really down played.
Its what we do. Girls. We play with dolls, barbies and stuffed animals. We treat them as if they really were our Babies. We swaddled them, fed them, changed diapers, rocked them and took them virtually everywhere. We played 'house'. We were always the Mom. Its in our nature to be a Mother. Regardless of being taught and shown these things, it happens. Instinctivelyy we nurture.
As kids we never scolded our 'Babies'. We never got mad at them. Never held them too hard. Never wanted to put them down. Never had an unkind thought towards them. Why do you think that is? --
The answer is simple...They never cried.
Crying. The most powerful tool in the world. It can break even the strongest of souls and kindest of spirits. Your own Babys cry can shatter your heart in pieces and youll do absolutely anything to calm them. So why then can their cry also make you want to scream louder than is humanly possible knowing full well that doing so wont bring even the slightest bit of relief?
Even this answer is simple...Failure.
Its the 'F' word of motherhood. Not a single Mother would want to be classified as 'failure'. Its the hardest thing to overcome.
I thought about this today while wiping down my kitchen counters. Jacek sat on the floor behind me half wrapped in a blanket crying so hard he almost couldnt anymore. His face beat red, fists clenched and his face was covered in full evidence of a cold.
The only thing I could think of at this point was Failure. I had just spend the last 2 hours trying to calm, sooth and rock an overtired sick baby to no avail. As I wiped down the counters I wondered how it was I could get to this point? To the point that I can put down a Baby who obviously is having a hard time and needs me so badly and not feel a thing. All of a sudden his cry did nothing to me. I barely heard it. I continued on cleaning that kitchen as if he wasnt even there. Then Naveah came in and began speaking to me and I couldnt even hear what she was saying. I hardly acknowledged her presence. Then I turned around and there she was trying to sooth Jacek. It made me slightly angry when she was able to make him smile and even get a giggle out of him. How easy it was for someone with the innocence of a child to calmly and lovingly turn a Baby's cries into laughter. I envied her. I failed.
What I wouldnt give to have that innocence back. I dont want to feel like every hurdle I come to was put there for me specifically. As if mocking me in some sort of way. As if someone, somewhere, thinks they are better than me. Im tired of being angry, at everything.
Im tired of hearing 'words of encouragement'
"It will get better soon"
"One day you'll laugh at all this"
"Youre such a good Mom, You'll get through this"
"Its just a phase..."
"This too shall pass"
"Everything will be okay"
For those of you who have ever said these things to me. Dont take offense to the fat that I just cant stand hearing it anymore. I understand that these things are said to be encouraging and to comfort....But its not working. Im tired of hearing it. Im tired of hoping for it. Im just plain old tired.
Its not getting easier. Its getting harder. I feel ive completely lost the ability to structure a family and meet all their needs. I feel that 'having it all together'' has become a pipe dream.
When does it get better....Or does it ever get better than this?
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