Some of the reason why I started this blog was so that I would feel I had a place to put 'things'. Some of these 'things' included my thoughts. Im going through something right now and im trying to sort myself out. There is always the option of 'talking' to someone about it but im not very good at that. I used to write A LOT as a child and it got me through a lot of things. I find writing is the only way I can keep up with my thoughts. So be forwarned. This will not be anything you are used to seeing in any of my previous blog postings....
Tired, frustration, anger, upset, confusion, hopelessness, exhaustion.... Those are all feelings one would never hope to feel ALL in the same day but lately for me its a feeling that hovers for days, weeks and even months. I feel as though im in a vicious circle. One that doesnt want me to be all the things im craving to be. Ill wake up one day and feel as though I could accomplish anything. But than I wake up many more days feeling like the last thing I want to do is get up and be 'Mom'. We have more bad days than good. They are filled with screaming, crying, whining, demanding, frustration, boredom, messes and complete lack of motivation. When I finally do get that good day Ive begun to cringe at it. Ive come to recognize that with every good day comes many bad ones to follow.
When I think of the person/ Mother I want to be I think of sitting down with my children and being a 'teacher'. Teaching them their alphabet and numbers. Teaching them to draw and spell. Helping them learn their colors and shapes. I think about story time, sitting all cuddled up on a rug reading fun stories and having them actually be interested in it. I think about baking cookies with them, building the ultimate structures out of duplo or just rolling around on the floor laughing and giggling. I think about adventures out of the house. Taking them to museums, zoos and playhouses. Going to the park, taking a walk, having a picnic. Building forts and making the most rediculous kind of train or spaceship out of boxes.
I want to be able to find the time to sew everything I think of. Build something rather than buy it. Have all the chores done, have my husbands lunch made the day before, dinner made at a reasonable hour, and make 'gormet' breakfasts in the morning. I want to join a dance class and go to the gym. I want to go on dates with my husband, I want to go shopping and take my time! I want to be able to do all the things at one time I was able to do. Its these things that race through my head that make me so frustrated with what I am becoming. Its also these thoughts and ambitions that are the reason Ive become who I never wanted to be.
I question if 3 children really was too much for me. But at the same time I new that there was another little boy waiting to join us. I loved having one child. I loved having two children. I found the adjustment from one to two easy and I was still able to keep up on most of my ambitions. Good days used to out number the bad. But then I had 3.
I feel like a bad mom. I do only a fraction of things with them that Id like to. I dont teach them what I should be as often as I should be. I hardly ever leave the house now. I find the task absolutely exhausting. I dont read every book they come to me with and I find things for them to do that dont require my assistance. I still havent taken them to build a snow man or slide down a hill! I get frustrated and ive become incredibly impatient and 'short fused'. I refuse to get out of bed before 8am and anxiety hits the moment I hear the kids' bedroom door open in the morning. I just cant get it together to be what they need me to be!
Im tired. I dont want to be a Mom right now. I dont want the responsibility that comes with it. I feel like im going through some sort of teenage rebellion only this time the rebellion is being kept inward. Im at war with myself and its spreading me so thin. I hope this isnt a bad thing to think. I hope im not the only Mom who is feeling this way, or HAS felt this way. I love my children. I couldnt ever give them up. Im glad im a Mother... But I just dont want to do it right now.
I know its a combination of things thats making me feel like this. This past year and a half wasnt exactly the brightest. Everything that could go wrong-- DID. We didnt get the warmest or sunniest of summers last year. I had a Baby and we moved to a different city 2 days later. Some Drama I thought I was gunna be free from followed me here and attacked us full force. AND its winter, the longest season of the year here in Alberta.
Im gunna get through this. The question is when? and how? I am not Me. I dont know who this is.
Who I feel I am capable of being seems too far gone to ever get back. I just want to be Happy.
I'm exactly there with you right now... I'll send you an email.
ReplyDeletei think how you are feeling it totally normal because i feel the same. when i adjusted from 2 to 3 kids i was going through different stuff so it had it's own challenges...it got really difficult for me when we added 2 step kids to the mix and now a baby!
ReplyDeletehaving a baby that is challenging can wear any mother out. my challenging kid was my #1 so i've been worn out from the very beginning hahaha.
i read an article the other day that had some good points in it:
"He sent me these children, not because He thought I would be the "perfect" mother for them, but because He knew that I was the imperfect mother they needed..."
"I don't have to do everything right. I still try to do all I can, but if I mess up I can apologize to my children. I've let them know recently that although there are many things I know that they don't, because I have more experience in life, this is my first time being a parent and we are in this family, learning together."
Reading it just kind of made me realize that, as we were talking about today, it might look on the outside like all these other mom's have it "together," but chances are very likely that they are feeling the same as you.
We are all in this together (motherhood) and we are here to lean on each other. You're doing a great job Britt. Hang in there. We love you!
I hear you. :) I have bad days too. That being said, you ARE a great mom. (you're way to hard on yourself) The fact that you are at home with them everyday helps them know you love them. Even if you were to do nothing with them, the fact that you're at home says a lot! But you DO make cookies, build structures, read books, sew, etc etc. I think it's healthy for kids play with AND without you. They get a little time with you, and then you have things to do. I think you are a wonderful mom. And I think your kids think so too!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, what helps me is perspective. This morning as I was trying to shower, Channing was crying in her swing, Corbin and Berkley were fighting, Berkley came running in having a tantrum and was screaming at me with her nose, face and hands pressed up against the glass. My first thought was "why can't I just have 10 minutes of peace in the shower?" and then I imagined myself in 30 years with no more kids at home longing for the days filled with their little hugs, big innocent eyes, and cute words and it made it just a little bit easier to deal with her. :) Not that I can be like that all the time, but it helps some of the time! It will get easier. (I repeat that to myself daily)